Life is Rough

I would like to be blunt and I would like to be honest. The past couple of years have not been good, I assume for most of us. They have been absolutely miserable for me. I won’t go into too much detail, but my health was declining rapidly throughout them. In a vicious cycle, it lead into bouts of depression and suicidal ideation, which only worsened the situation physically. Even the past month could probably be classed among the worst in my life, for reasons too personal to delve into on even a pseudonymous blog. The world has felt cold and unfeeling. But I think I’ve made it through, although I lost a lot on the way.

I’m proud of myself at the moment. I made this website, and I made it quickly. It really felt like an important first step. I didn’t bitch and whine, I didn’t take shortcuts, I just sat down and did it. I slowly feel passion coming back into my life. It’s a strange, warm and soft feeling. I meditated for 30 minutes today, and had one of the most vivid daydreams I think I will ever experience. My wonder at the world has just quietly reignited. I feel like I’ve had hot soup on a winter’s night. I’m really excited to see what fruits this journey has to bear. I know I have a lot of fortune and enough talent and skill to make something worthwhile, it would be a crime to let myself waste away. And I know my writing is a bit clumsy and on the nose at the moment, it’ll improve.

I don’t know if anyone will read this, to be honest, I don’t mind if they don’t read it. I grew up with social media, and it’s taken for granted that anything you post has enough import for someone to bother to read, or at least to drop a half hearted like. Every thought, every emotion, every piece of logic is monitored and manipulated. I don’t think that’s the case here, it’s a lot easier to make your own corner. Someone may stumble upon it, but even if they do I don’t feel concerned about their eyes. I could be writing into the void right now, no ear to catch my tales. And I wouldn’t mind that. Not one bit. I’m happy being my own company for once.

If anyone is reading this, I hope it finds you well. I hope you’re able to look at the world and see the art in it, in even the least of it, in even the worst of it. I hope you have your own passions, and your own goals, and your own fruits to pick. It’s a gorgeous thing.

Last modified on 2022-05-11